16 March 2017

workI’m 47 years old.  Today is the first day in my life that I can remember that I am at total peace.  I am not exaggerating.  Like the orange band I am wearing proclaims, “I am changed”!

I’m doing something I have NEVER done before….really bearing my heart.  So please be gentle with it.  It is in a state of repair.

I can’t remember much prior to Head Start around age 4 or 5.  For several years now, I have been recalling the abuse at the babysitters.  Since then, it has always been day in and day out push, push, push!  During every waking moment; go, go, go!  During every sleeping moment; go, go, go!  An “A” was the only thing that was acceptable.  A “B” stood for I’m “B-A-D”.  If I get all “A’s”, then maybe someone will say that I am good.  Maybe someone will talk with me nicely, maybe someone will touch me kindly.

My “normal” was walking down a sidewalk, making a consciencious effort to relax without really ever doing so.  Uncounsciencely sucking in air…and then a labored exhale.  Details, details, details.  I should have done more.  I could have done more.

I have labored in vain for all these years.  For what?

Yes, there’s been good.  Various church jobs and times of great refreshing from the Word and in worship.  Israel, Japan, Venice, Croatia, Slovenia….scuba diving, snow skiing, wake boarding, houses and stuff.

There’s the not so good.  Eight years of being homebound. Divorce.  Too many jobs in too many states across the country to recall them all.  Too many aches and pains and diseases to even acknowledge, so you ignore them the best you can, believe Jesus for your healing and try to just keep going.

Did the circumstances change around me?  No.  The bills still have to be paid.  There’s family to be called, clothes that need to be washed, pets to feed, a spouse that deserves attention and all the details of work are still there.

Life is still life.  The external is the same, but the internal is renewed!

What changed?

Doubt and unbelief changed.

I doubted that God was true to His Word.

I doubted that God was capable of taking care of me.

Fear changed.

I feared that everyone would leave me.

I feared that I could never do enough and be enough.

Resentment changed.

I resented my Mom and Dad

I resented my ex-husband

Believing the lies of the devil changed.

I believed that I was not loved.

I believed that I was so fat that I was disgusting





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